which is the metal wing

my chemical romance put on a fantastic show.

they even wore the marching band uniforms.

i must have the worst luck ever.

woke up at 2am last night to my neighbor pounding on my door screaming. and fire alarms.
looked toward the elevator to see nothing but gray smoke rolling towards my apt. screaming and yelling at tim to get the animals, packed them up, ran outside, 3 firetrucks, ambulances, etc.
someone's couch lit up on the first floor and i've never seen so much smoke in my life.
spent a few hours outside in my pj's (winter is cold, you know).
this is the second time i've had to evacuate an apt complex due to someone's place on fire. it sucks. and why does it always have to be so late at night? and in december??

ugh.

i love rosetta stone.

i'm already speaking russian in my sleep.

and reading it :)

luckily i have a few years before i have to speak it to other russians!

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

it's too early to be up. today is my day off work.

i'm going to try to go back to sleep. we'll see how that works out.

and my bird is awake with me. it also seems today he thinks he's a canadian goose.

meow meow



pretty baby



twice.

i have the most deep digging urge to go to the beach right now.

unfortunately, lake erie is gross and polluted enough to have actually caught on fire in the past, so that's a no go.

i have a pool, but it's not the same.

i feel beautiful today. i feel refreshed and invincible. i want to put on sunglasses, although i don't own any, and get in a summer skirt with sandals. i want to float in the salt water and collect little living shell creatures to bury themselves through my fingers. i want to smell like sand and sun.

it's very rare that i miss things about florida. i've been sitting at my computer since i woke up this morning at 10:00 in pj's smoking cigarettes, playing video games and drinking wine. i should be out playing.

and i just spilled wine on my cell phone.
heh, ironic.

i'm shopping around for a digital camera and don't have any idea what i want.

nothing too fancy, my goal is for it to be decent quality and i want a memory card to hold tons of pictures.

i'm trying to stick to under $300, even if it's via ebay.

any suggestions?

Well on your way! You are 73% Addicted!

You play a lot, and you're starting to get hooked. Keep it up and soon you too will be part of the ever-growing group that is totally addicted. Or, see the warning signs now and get out while you still can!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 49% on addiction level

Link: The World of Warcraft Addiction Test written by survivedestiny on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

well, i've been on vacation as of saturday. it's been great.
work has only called me maybe 3 or so times. much better than expected.
adam came up from dc for this week and we're having a good time catching up, drinking and playing video games. our friendship picked right back up from where it left of the last time i saw him. it's great.
saturday i picked him up from the airport with tim and we went to breakfast at somer's diner. then we went back to my place and proceeded to hit up the beer. then we hung around a little bit at my place. the early evening came and we got ready for the fight! i got 3 free tickets to the brewster/liakhovich heavyweight title fight and let me tell you... the undercard had maybe one good fight, but the main event.... that is the best fight i've ever seen in my life. i was standing up screaming, yelling, stomping my feet... it didn't stop. round after round of either guy backed in a corner about to be knocked out. it was amazing. there was no holding or leaning involved. power punch after power punch. i couldn't have asked for a better fight for me to see live. we had front row tickets on the lower level. i LOVE boxing and that was so awesome to see. not to mention i got to see don king! woot!
so then we went back to my place and drank some more and went to bed.
woke up super late on sunday and made french toast and scrambled eggs for everyone and we all just lounged around all day with video games, movies and hanging out.
then yesterday adam and i hit up the mall and borders to eat and find a book that he wants me to read by the author of edit 'crime and punishment'. we found the book and hung around borders for a while. we all know how hard it is to leave a bookstore.
then we went to good ol' mccarthy's for some pool and beverages.
in a little bit pawel is supposed to come over and look at my computer. it hasn't been recognizing my second stick of 512 since i got it and i'm at that point where i can't stand the lag in major cities in wow. it's time to do something about buying so much ram and not reaping the benefits. i need to find out if it's my motherboard or the actual memory. we'll see.
so the rest of the week is going to be fun. gotta figure out what else we intend on doing. i think there will be texas hold 'em at my place at some point. i just wish i had an actual diningroom table to have it at. probably will end up around my damn coffee table. hehe. maybe i'll call kenny and see if he wants to host it. although, you can't smoke in his apartment. so we'll see what happens.
anyhow, just and update. if anyone caught the fight on showtime saturday night... yeah, i was there ;)

DIFFERENT NAMES FOR "THE SHOCKER"

"Checking her fever, with two in the beaver"
"Going to town, with one in the brown."
"The Barracuda (Aus)"
"The Muckfish."
"Two at Yale, one at Brown."
"Two in her rut, one in her butt."
"Two in the baby maker, one in the patty caker."
"Two in the beav, with an ace up the sleeve."
"Two in the squirt, one in the dirt."
"Two in the super, one in the pooper."
"Two in the taco, one in the guaco."
"Two in the taint, one in the ain't."
"Two in the tank, one in the bank."
"Two in the valley, one up the alley."
"Two in the winker, one in the sphincter."
"Two in the winner, one in the dinner."
"Two in the womb, one in the tomb."
"Two near the tampon, one pops the fart bomb."
"Two up the fly, one in the brown eye."
"Two where it's foul, one in the bowel."
"Two where it's hairy, one where it's scary."
"Two where the cocks cum, one where she talks from."
"Two where the meat goes, one where the heat blows."
"Two where they're born, one where there's corn."
"Two where she catches cocks, one in her fartbox."
"Two where she hits it, one where she shits it."
"Two where she queefs, one underneath."
"Two where she spits, one where she shits."
"Two where you should, one where you could."
"Two in the crumb, one in the bum."
"Two in the sponge, and one where you plunge."
"Two in the bake, and out comes the cake!"
"Two in the baby maker, one in the brownie baker
"Two in the Hootie, One in the Blowfish"

i mapped out a life.
a life where i ran away and lived happily ever after.
i'm realizing now that this is a life only i can live.
others have plans and futures and connections and lives mapped out for themselves.
i never calculated the odds that there would be others.
i never took into consideration that something so perfect and fairy-tale could possibly have an alternative planned out path.
that there would be a different fairy-tale already in progress.
that there were other variables.
i have cried my mascara down every inch of my face for a 45 minute drive home realizing that i'm not the only one.
i wanted something so simple to me.
one plus one against the world.
but it's one against five and i can't compete. i can't compete with the years of life they've compounded into a future.
i wanted to run away. completely away from everything. leaving what few ties i felt so sacred behind for just this one thing so important.
and now i'm seeing that i can't just take take take. i have to share and give and compromise the life i wanted.
i honestly don't feel that i'm prepared to do that.

let me premise with how nervous i get at manager meetings. i recently got transfered to an extremely busy store to be the fill-in manager (as an assistant manager still). this is hectic enough, but a compliment. since i am at this store filling in as manager, i have to attend a weekly meeting on thursday mornings at the home office. this is the "manager's meeting." every manager at this meeting for the company has to prepare a little report on how their store is doing. there's a format and you fill in your progress on sales for the month, how the promotions are working out, how your inventory is going, any updates on what outbound sales you are driving, challenges and solutions, focus of the week, focus of the next week, greeter updates and your last mystery shop score. the past 3 weeks i've had to give this presentation, i have been so nervous speaking that i have to fake cough just to get my mouth to continue moving. everyone must dread listening to me speak knowing how painful it must be for me. i can barely speak and my voice sounds like i'm going to cry. i have no idea why, i've just always done it like that. i'm scared to death to give them because i just can't seem to spit it out correctly and confidently. not at all. so.....

today being thursday, i get up from a good night's sleep to head to my manager's meeting. i leave my house at a decent time, i get a cappucino, i get on the road. i'm nervous and trying to coach myself to be ok with it and finally succeed and i realize i am now getting on the highway i take to work every day. this means i've missed my exit by about 7 minutes to go to the corporate office. there is no time to turn around. so, i had to take the long way where there was a potential of terrible traffic that would render me late for this meeting. perfect. now i could just throw up. like i'm not already having an anxiety attack. if you know me at all, i consider 5 minutes early to be late. let alone being ACTUALLY late.
well, traffic breezed by and i made it at about 3 minutes till 9. ok, fine. i can deal with that. it worked out, i made it "on time" and there's still a chair at the big round conference table. cool. *whew*

so i start to get nervous because it's time for the weekly reports. i decide to FORCE myself to go second. so i go. i get a little nervous at first, but after i started, i did wonderful!!!! 100% better than any other meeting. yay. so proud. then the regional sales manager says it's late, he has to go, and a couple stores got out of having to give there's at all. go figure. i could have gone last like i usually do and not had to do it at all. but i figure, i did good. it was probably better i did good than got out of it. i somewhat conquered the fear. cool. *whew*

so i get everything else i needed to get done at the home office and i end up leaving there to go to my store around 10:30. this is awesome, i am getting a great head start to my day so i can get some of the backed up stuff done when i get to the store. i'm getting on the highway and i hear a weird popping or grinding noise when i turn. it sounded like the very same noise adam's car was making a long time ago. so i called him and asked him what that ended up being. he said he put air in his tires and it seemed to go away so i should probably do the same thing. i figure, ok, cool, and hang up. so i'm on 480 by this time cruising at about 70mph in the middle lane when i hear the loudest, nastiest noise i have ever heard a car make. like a tire blowing out. yep. it's mine. there's a semi in the right lane and i NEED to get over to pull off. luckily he sees me and slams on his breaks so i can get over. i grind my way onto the shoulder, get out and no, my tire didn't blow, it practically ripped off my car and was completely sideways in my wheel well. i never knew so many things were connected to a tire. the semi pulled over i told him i'd be fine, i had a cell phone, i'd call someone. so i call adam.
adam is now a cell tech so he basically drives around looking for things to do all day. i knew he'd be able to come get me. he was in the middle of fixing a cell site, so he said he'd be there asap. in the meantime....
my phone is about to die and i call my store, the regional sales manager and tim to all let them know what was going on so no one wondered where i was. i sit back in my car and wait for adam, turning my car on just enough to plug up my car charger.
it's 10:45.
a utility vehicle that has a big sign on top of it that says "disabled vehicle" pulls up. he asks if i'm ok, i let him know i've got it handled, he leaves. a truck with two puerto ricans pull up. they ask if i'm ok, i let him know i had help on the way. one guy says his name is jose and he has a garage up the street. he called his tow truck friend but he was busy for the next 2 hours. i let him know i'd figure things out when adam arrived. my debit card expired at the end of january and i had no cash on me.
next a tow truck happens to pull over. the guy says he can take me somewhere but adam wasn't there yet. i told him we'd have to stop at an atm because of my situation and that i had the address of a garage from the last guy that stopped for me. he agreed. i called adam and let him know what was going on. he got caught up and was still going to be a while. i get a tow to the garage and go to find an atm and the tow truck driver insists i don't pay him! cool. *whew*
so then jose gets on the phone immediately when i get there. small mom and pop garage behind a car dealership. he gets an estimate on the parts and sits down with me. axle, tire and ball joint. he quotes me $155 plus $20 from the guy in back for a tire. i could have kissed him. i gave him $200 considering my free tow and his hospitality. so adam comes, they fix my car, we go to the atm and all is grand. it's now around 2:00. *whew*

jose tells me that i need to get the other ball joint replaced soon otherwise the same thing will happen to the other side. they were old and nasty. it didn't sound urgent so i didn't ask him to do it. he didn't suggest i do it right away either. that would have meant more money. *whew*

i get in my car and adam follows me to the store. i need to fax in time sheets and make sure everyone is ok. store's fine, but i noticed the same odd sensation i was getting in my car right before the first tire went. now i'm afraid like hell that the other one is going to fall off. i call my boss and let him know i am having a panic attack about the other tire falling off and need to get it taken care of right away. he says it's no big deal, do what i have to do. *whew*
so, i find an ntb right up the street and call them. adam follows me over there and we take it in. they say it's going to be an hour before they can give me an estimate on what needs done so adam and i go to the house. we needed to pick up a check since the book i had in my purse was out and i needed to now take out a cash advance to pay for my second string of repairs. we had to wait to hear from ntb to see how much to take out. we find out $265. i am a broke mofo so this sucked. i go to get another book of checks from the closet... of course. i'm actually completely out of checks. this means i can't take out a cash advance and adam had one out already. and the $250 in my checking account was untouchable. bank's closed because it's 5:00 as we are leaving ntb. debit card expired, and i've already taken $200 out of the atm. so i'm stuck.
we decide adam will write a check and i will give him the money tomorrow from my bank account and owe him $65. this was shaky because he has a large check coming out *possibly* tomorrow which could overdraft him in this situation. so we come up with all these brilliant plans with credit cards, checks and everything else to get this paid for. i get to the counter and the guy (dean) says, "why don't you apply for the ntb credit card? 90 days same as cash!" i let him know how terrible my credit is and how i never get accepted for anything. he makes me try anyway.
after ALL that, i got accepted. and paid nothing at ntb. by the time the car was done, it was 7:30.
WOW.
what A DAY.

star wars quote of the day:


"no, i promise you."

i'm not very satisfied with the life i'm living right now.
i drink too much, i have no money and i can't seem to figure people out.
there's a lot going on at work, as usual, and i don't know what's wrong with me.
i used to be able to fix things wrong with my life. i used to be able to keep sane and take one step at a time. i used to be able to evaluate my situation and inch through the crap that's holding me back from being happy. lately it seems i can't find my way through anything. i'm lost and i'm going crazy. i don't know what i want in my life. i need to save up for my own apartment. adam is a great roommate, but i think us living together is keeping either of us from living a normal life. the in-betweenness of the situation is messing me all up. i'm not mourning like i should, or realizing my situation because of it. it has me off balance.
i'm in a weird place.
there are things i want to do, things i want to accomplish, but the second i have the chance to do that, i become afraid and unmotivate myself so that i just sleep or drink until i forget i wanted anything at all. including eating. i've learned a new talent to my laziness. i found that if i drink a beer and smoke a cigarette and wait about 10 minutes, my hunger goes away and my stomach hurts too much to want to eat anymore. that way i don't have to get up and make food. it's so sad. i've become so lazy and unmotivated that i don't even want to eat anymore. i've lost 10 pounds. maybe more but i'm too lazy to go get on the scale in the bathroom.
i have an appointment with a medical transcription school today at 2:30. this is already a rescheduled appointment because i was too lazy to go last week. and i'm going to not go again. because i don't want to sacrifice the day i have to sit and do nothing.
my bills are piling up and i just got a letter in the mail about my student loans. it seems it's time to start paying those off as well. i can't afford anything. but i somehow set money aside for beer. and if i don't have money for beer, i find someone willing to pay for me. it's sad. i need a new life.
i need a new inspiration in my life. something to look forward to. somehow i'm not strong enough to inspire myself. and i'm too lazy to even try.
i think i'm going to just play wow for a while and then take a nap. at least i have motivation to level my new character. that's something.